Dear Mr. Elevator Man

Happy Monday guys!!! Reader Letter Time : Dear Shanice, I will make this quick. I started dating this guy in high school and shortly found out that he was my step cousin. My mother had married his uncle. We continued to date for about 1 year until everyone in the family found out and forced us to break up. After graduation, we went off to the same college. Since we didn't really break up on bad terms and no one was around we started back dating. That was 1 year ago and now I am pregnant with his child. I do not feel bad about this because honestly, we aren't really related but I know my mother will be upset. Is there a certain we can tell our family without them getting mad? I am 3 months now and starting to show some, so I need to tell them. Holidays are coming up and it will be very awkward for my mom, but honestly we were dating before my mom married his uncle. We are going to move into an apartment together, finish school and raise our child together. Thanks! S...

Good Morning! So this morning this guy parked pretty close to me, I back out and pull back in to make sure I have room to get out. Listen, again I am not thin, I have to get all this ass out my low riding car. So as I open my door, it taps his door. You would've thought I put a dent in the door and called his mother everything but her name. My day has already started off bad. -_-

This is going to be a little lengthy so I can get you'll caught up! I also want to send my condolences out to my lovely reader/friend Jennifer. She lost her father this weekend. Please send up a prayer for her and her family to help them through this time. I have not lost a parent so I do not understand the hurt she is going through but I pray that God keeps her in this time. I am DONE! Can you believe she cheated on ME? I have did nothing but be the best me I could be. ( Lets recap shall we .... Demetrius and his girlfriend do not live together. Lets just thank God for that already. He starts to feel bad about not really paying attention to her and gets the roommate to let him in so he can plan this special day. First off, ummm miss roommate, you gone get your butt kicked for letting folks in without my permission! Anywho back to the story ... he is going to set up her room with candles and things, and cook. While he is in her room setting things up he starts to find guy items....

I'm tired .... I know I know I haven't posted about MEM or D and I hear you all loud and clear. I am just not here for blogging right now. Probably because I have to piece together the emails to get an entire post from D but whatever .. Here is my randomness for today .. * HI Tonya ! * 1. This weather in Atlanta has been my emotions lately. I'm happy on the weekends and its 70 degrees out and its cold as SHAT during the week ... and I've been moody. I have decided to start doing the sunshine dance on Monday's and see if that works or whateva .... So if your in Atlanta and you see a professionally dressed black lady looking like she is harlem shaking .. just keep on driving .... I'm just calling the sun ...  2. Can you'll stop beating your kids in public and recording it? Like GAH DAMN you are signing yourself over to the police. Half of it IS CHILD ABUSE! You MF are crazy! I saw a father dragging his daughter by her hair .... nah shawty I'm moving ou...

Me : Hi, Can I have a Sausage Biscuit and a Hashbrown. That will be all. Worker : Ok so that's a Sausage Biscuit, Bacon and cheese Biscuit and a hashbrown. Would you like something to drink with that. Me : No, that's wrong. I want A sausage Biscuit, and 1 hashbrown. That's it. ( still in a good mood )  Worker : Ok so that's 2 Sausage Biscuits and 1 hashbrown. Does this complete your order. Me : ( over it at this point ) NO!! * leans out the window* I JUST WANT ONE, SINGLE SAUSAGE BISCUIT AND ONE ORDER OF HASHBROWN. ONE OF EACH. JUST ONE, UNO.  Worker : Ma'am please hold so that I can correct your older. Me : -__- you have GOTS to be kidding me Worker : Ma'am was that just a regular sausage biscuit? Me : Is there someone else in there to help you, because I'm not sure where we are missing the blue's clues. Worker : Excuse me? Me : Do you need me to pull up to the window? Worker : No ma'am. I have your uno sausage and uno ha...

Ya'll, it's so dang cold outside I can't even think. This morning I was just like Jesus if you would just be a sun ray on this 5'3 caramel lady, I will shout for joy in the parking lot. I didn't get that sun ray until a few moments ago but the wind didn't blow so I did a 2 step any ways. Well it was more like an air hump in the car b/c I wasn't about to stand out there to much longer. I have to walk a little slow down my steps b/c everyday I almost commit suicide on them! Somehow my feet decide they want to go one way and my body is going another way .... I"m just screaming the Lords Pray trying to keep everything together. LOL. That's so not funny but I'm laughing as I write this so whateva! It's my blog!   I had this weird dream about someone in my accounting department at work that had me on fire! She came to my desk and just went HAM on me. Listen, that lady and I were having words UMMKAY! She wanted me to work faster and I wanted her ...

I'm not sure why you want to use the potty right next to me, when there are 3 other stalls free but lets not do it again. We have bathroom rules!! I'm not sure if you are not aware of them or if you just don't care. BBUUUTTTT my dear ladies, I CARE! I am just trying to get in and out of the bathroom and back on the floor and here you go with your feet almost touching mines. Umm excuse me neighbor, why art thou so damn close to me? Oh and it's always you gassy people that sit right next to me. So not only am I trying to pee, and make sure our feet don't touch, you are also honking horns over there with no spray. I JUST CAN'T YA'LL! I JUST CAN NOT DEAL! Didn't Mother Bathroom come to your school and teach you the rules? Well she didn't comes to mines neither but I still know to take my ass down a stall. So miss ma'am that sat beside came into the bathroom behind me, sat in the stall next to me, starting honking for Jesus, while singing a little t...

I just don't understand why you are running in the rain. HEEEYYYY TAKE A DAMN DAY OFF!! It is pouring down and you are out here doing a 1,2 step dance move. Now I will not splash the water on you, as I am driving by, but I'm not sure what those two pair of socks and Wal-Mart bag on your head is doing for you. Please get with the other rain dancers, I mean runners and get with the indoor gym pimpin! Try it out, try it out, try it out, yyyeeaaaahhhh ( in my Kandi voice) I just want you to know that the flu is REAL in these streets. Those 300 calories you out there burning, aint got SHAT on sounding like Michel'le cause you can't breath. You could've did some lungss and crunches at your house while watching SVU on USA, instead of trying to live like SpongeBob under the damn sea.  xoxoxoxo Warm inside this car

How did I end up getting out of the car, at the same time that you get out of your car? Listen, you are such a beautiful man. Like if you decided to be a woman, you could totally pull it off. I am happily taken. Like The Cosby Show happy, like they put two toys in my happy meal when I was 5 y/o happy, like HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ok, that didn't make any sense but w/e. Also, you see this wall mount that is always on this elevator when you get on with me? Yes Freaky Jason right there staring at you in the mirror. You make his neck vein pop out and it makes me nervous. Once my mom neck vein popped out when I was getting a whooping and just let me tell you ............ I wore sweatpants all week. I want to live. I'm pretty sure you want to live so here we go with just a few things that you can do for me and I'll continue to smile at you on this quick ride up. 1. Thanks for telling me I have nice big brown eyes. You can't see to my soul, so stop staring into my face. It's c...

I am DOG ASS TIRED today. I am in the beginning stages of my PMS symptoms break down, so I want to cry, eat chocolate, laugh, sleep, eat popeyes chicken, and get under my covers and not come out. Only, I'm at work with paperwork coming out of my rear end that needs to be done by today. I swear my phone has rang 5 times and I have not answered it because I want to keep my job. Right now, I am laid back in my seat, typing whatever comes to mind. Welcome to my monday thoughts! - My bf's sister is due anyday now and I wish that damn baby would come on! I love the smell of little babies. - Love doesn't need to be the only reason you marry someone. Is that person a team player? How are they with paying bills? Have you met their family on other occasions other than the holidays and like them? If at some point you don't feel that butterfly love affect, will you both try to light the spark again? IJS, can't marry a person because they are a nice person. Nice only gets y...

Dear Mr. Elevator Man,  I just want to hug you right now. Like I'm sad, pissed and frustrated!! I've never been stood up but I know there are ways that people can prevent this. So I am going to leave you here and address pretty little miss ..................... Dear Ungrateful Piece of Ass,  YOU NO NO HOW TO USE PHONE?! Why would you stand someone up? Listen here you snot nose, wanna be bunny ranch worker, hamburger-helper serving, flat butt heifer!!!!!! You call when you can't make it! You send a bird, superman, those little things on despicable me, SOMETHING! Now I begged this damn man to take you out again, because let's face it hunny ...... YOU WERE NOT CUTTING IT! Then you <insert HARD curse word> it UP!!! Calm down Shanice . Did you see he's face? OOOOOFFFFF Course your "i shoot animals for fun hunting" ass didn't! So let me run down this ....... He called you earlier that morning to confirm ....... You said your going to be there ...

Lets just say I have some hate mail going on in my inbox about this situation. Someone even suggested that I ask you guys to send me pictures to send to him. Listen, I can't even believe people are reading my blog, let alone hook up my stranger elevator ride friend with my stranger readers. LOL. I will keep this in mind. I will have to swing it some type of way because he doesn't know about this blog.  ANYWHO on to the good stuff : The Date!!! * que lighting and thunder*  He went to pick her up and SHE changed the plans. He was going to take her out to wine and dine her but she said NO SIR! I love her already. She invited him in where she had a full meal prepared, with wine and dessert. He was totally shocked. The meal was steak, salad, asparagus, homemade mash potatoes, and rolls. There was a cheese tray to start off with. Well isn't she fancy. If I can take how he was smiling as he was telling me the story, he had a great time. Did i mention he was standing outs...

Dear White People,  Let me tell you way to NOT get your ass dragged. This may offend some of my reader but as a African American Woman, I AM going to say something about this. You guys always wonder why you can't say this and why you can't do that around us without one of us popping off at you. Well look at the photo above and you will see. A MAN DIED!!!!!! Do you not understand that you cannot joke about something like that and think "oh no one is going to say anything because its a joke." Honey no one is laughing, NO ONE IS LAUGHING! If Trayvon was a white boy and someone black dressed up like him, you would be raising hell! This black face thing is so offensive to start with but this wound you guys are picking at is still fresh. I don't know how someone can wake up and say, oh I am going to be a dead black teenager for Halloween . But then again, I don't understand how someone can capture people,beat them and kill their families, rape them, HANG THEM , ...

Listen, I'm not here for people parking RIGHT IN FRONT of the stairs where I play rent. YOU PEOPLE need to park several spaces over! I don't care that you have a party every weekend, when you start paying rent then you can park in front of the stairs. May be its just in my apartment complex, but we all have our "unofficially assigned parking space." The mom parks closest to the stairs and her husband parks beside her. My neighbors girlfriend parks 3 spaces from the stairs and we park one space from the stairs. My down stairs neighbor and the next door one park in front of the stairs because one goes to work early and the other works third shift. Now let me tell you weed smoking bum ass kids something, I am going to get a cone and put it in the space. Just thank God that I am not pregnant, because doors would be knocked on and shit would be shat! So if you dont like me stomping really loud and cursing becuase I have to take my groceries from up a hill, down a hill to m...

Listen, I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR A HOSTILE ELEVATOR RIDE!! If you would not act like a FREAK when people got on the elevator with us, I mean this is a seven story building, I would introduce you. So since you are mad at me I'll just tell you anyways. The guy on the elevator is Mr. Motorcycle Man. I'm not sure why you felt the need to roll your eyes when he got on and started talking to me, * que mean girls* but you sir need to get a grip. I feel like I'm in a love triangle and I don't even know you people!!!!! I swear I'm going to start taking the stairs. Mr. Motorcycle man is NOT the " new you" as you put it. I can't even believe I am having this conversation with you, I still don't even know you DAMN NAME!! OMG, I just ................................................................................ You my dear need to get back with that girl sexing you like crazy because your losing it. Next elevator ride, I am taking your picture and I am startin...

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! I don't understand why this weight just doesn't come off. I mean I really don't want you to stay here Mr.Weight, I would much rather you pack you all your extra friends and get the flapjacks off my body! I got on the scale yesterday and it stated that I gained ALL the weight I lost PLUS 5 MORE POUNDS! Let's just say this girl was NOT a happy camper. Then I went and measured myself. Why in Satan's toenails did I do that? Listen my bottom in bigger than most of you guys TV! Although I can say I am proud that my top half and bottom half are/is/whatever bigger than my stomach/waist area I am still OVER IT ! My hunny and bestie are trying to cheer me up but I really AIN'T here for it. I was going to go on a water diet. Yes I know ..... what the hell are you thinking Shanice! Well I was thinking this fat would fall off since I would be putting no calories in myself. Let's just say ...

Dear Please Grow UP, I am COMPLETELY over you. I don't understand how you have been on this earth for however many years but you can't seem to get your CRAP together. Now I'm not one to judge because I have my own house to clean up but no one is here for your foolishness. Stop depending on others to always HAVE it for you or PROVIDE what you need when you don't have it. At this point in time, you need to tighten up those boot straps and get to getting! Listen, if you can't afford it LEAVE IT THERE! Come out of Neva-Neva Land and into the real world. Pay your bills, gas your car up, stock your house with food and supplies and LIVE LIFE! Your sucking the LIFE out of those people you depend on and it's not cute. It's also not right for them. Through your burdens on God, not friends! I could continue to go on but I'm just not in the mood today ............... Stay Groovy xoxoxoxo Juicy J background dancer

Dear Pity Party For 1, Please build a bridge and get over it. Everyone goes through things, we all have failed at something, that doesn't mean get on social media and cry EVERY TREE HUMPING DAY! I met with the social media owners and we have decided if you can't calm it down some on the " oh life is so hard, where is the rope?" we are going to disable your account! FOREVER! So here is my advice for some of your most common issues I've seen : 1. If your babies father isn't shit ........ provide the best you can. Tell us will not change the fact. We will not be signing up to do daddy shifts with your child. 2. If you hate your job ....... GET ANOTHER ONE! That's really common sense. 3. If someone said something about you that was false .... either tell them about it, or let it go. I don't want to see anymore side jab status on FB when you live 5 miles from this person and you'll go to the same church on Sundays. 0.o  4. If your...