Dear Mr. Elevator Man

Dear MEM,   I can't stop laughing. No I mean I am trying but the tears won't stop falling, and now I can't breathe. OK Ok I'm sorry, but I still don't understand how this happened. You were to cool to wear protection and look what happened to you! So let me get this right, the girl you met at Publix took you Horseback riding, and now your going to the hospital because the inside of your legs are raw. BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Listen, listen, listen, why on earth would you go bare back on a horse? Are you crazy! Well that I know the answer to but I mean I don't feel bad for you at all. I can see you out there in your polo riding boots, tight Levi jeans, crying like a BIATCH because your private hurts. SMH. So now your going to the doctor because it hurts when your pants rub against you. BBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! No, no, listen, if you could see your face right now you would laugh too! Oh so your mad at me for laughing but n...

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ................................. MEM you are a grumpy, sad , pouting MESS! Standing there with your Starbucks coffee,with your tailored suit on ... .GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I don't know what else to do. Like ............ ok, you got stood up, it sucks, let's move on. I know your thinking, how did I "MEM, Exec. blah blah, meh, meh, meh" get stood up. Shit happens. Sidebar : I literally have on all black, with a sweater jacket, with my glasses on. I really tapped into my un-creditable counselor today. This is really becoming a career for me. So, we have no one to bring to the holiday dinners this year. Let's keep it that way. Stop trying to find someone to show off. At this point, I just want to call your family and have a come to Jesus meeting. Like jump into the ocean, locate Nemo, tell Dory I said hello, go find the Lil Mermaid and ask the hoe to get some legs and be with you. Like I don't know what else I can do to ...

Dear Mr. Elevator Man,  I just want to hug you right now. Like I'm sad, pissed and frustrated!! I've never been stood up but I know there are ways that people can prevent this. So I am going to leave you here and address pretty little miss ..................... Dear Ungrateful Piece of Ass,  YOU NO NO HOW TO USE PHONE?! Why would you stand someone up? Listen here you snot nose, wanna be bunny ranch worker, hamburger-helper serving, flat butt heifer!!!!!! You call when you can't make it! You send a bird, superman, those little things on despicable me, SOMETHING! Now I begged this damn man to take you out again, because let's face it hunny ...... YOU WERE NOT CUTTING IT! Then you <insert HARD curse word> it UP!!! Calm down Shanice . Did you see he's face? OOOOOFFFFF Course your "i shoot animals for fun hunting" ass didn't! So let me run down this ....... He called you earlier that morning to confirm ....... You said your going to be there ...