Dear Mr. Elevator Man

............. So let me properly introduce myself. My name is HOOOOOOLLLLDDDDDDDD IT!  Let's start from the beginning, shall we? While waiting for the elevator, I get a light tap on my shoulder.  Me : Turns around .... Well hello there Stranger Danger! I thought I wouldn't see you until the new year. MEM : Morning Spit Fire! Can I borrow a minute of your time?  Me : Sure, get in. You know the Fed's watching. * goes to first floor*  MEM: Why? Me : Nevermind .. ( he killed the ENTIRE VIBE ) MEM : What's this your listening to? Me : Nothing, I just always put my headphones in because if I don't ... well * stares at MEM * people talk to me. So what's up, I've got less than 5 minutes.    MEM : I just wanted to say thank you.  Me : Your Wel- MEM : You didn't let me finish.  Me : 0.o oookkkkaayy MEM : I want to thank you for all your sound advice. Honestly, I wish I could clone you and date you mys...

I just don't understand why you are running in the rain. HEEEYYYY TAKE A DAMN DAY OFF!! It is pouring down and you are out here doing a 1,2 step dance move. Now I will not splash the water on you, as I am driving by, but I'm not sure what those two pair of socks and Wal-Mart bag on your head is doing for you. Please get with the other rain dancers, I mean runners and get with the indoor gym pimpin! Try it out, try it out, try it out, yyyeeaaaahhhh ( in my Kandi voice) I just want you to know that the flu is REAL in these streets. Those 300 calories you out there burning, aint got SHAT on sounding like Michel'le cause you can't breath. You could've did some lungss and crunches at your house while watching SVU on USA, instead of trying to live like SpongeBob under the damn sea.  xoxoxoxo Warm inside this car

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ................................. MEM you are a grumpy, sad , pouting MESS! Standing there with your Starbucks coffee,with your tailored suit on ... .GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I don't know what else to do. Like ............ ok, you got stood up, it sucks, let's move on. I know your thinking, how did I "MEM, Exec. blah blah, meh, meh, meh" get stood up. Shit happens. Sidebar : I literally have on all black, with a sweater jacket, with my glasses on. I really tapped into my un-creditable counselor today. This is really becoming a career for me. So, we have no one to bring to the holiday dinners this year. Let's keep it that way. Stop trying to find someone to show off. At this point, I just want to call your family and have a come to Jesus meeting. Like jump into the ocean, locate Nemo, tell Dory I said hello, go find the Lil Mermaid and ask the hoe to get some legs and be with you. Like I don't know what else I can do to ...

Listen, I'm not here for people parking RIGHT IN FRONT of the stairs where I play rent. YOU PEOPLE need to park several spaces over! I don't care that you have a party every weekend, when you start paying rent then you can park in front of the stairs. May be its just in my apartment complex, but we all have our "unofficially assigned parking space." The mom parks closest to the stairs and her husband parks beside her. My neighbors girlfriend parks 3 spaces from the stairs and we park one space from the stairs. My down stairs neighbor and the next door one park in front of the stairs because one goes to work early and the other works third shift. Now let me tell you weed smoking bum ass kids something, I am going to get a cone and put it in the space. Just thank God that I am not pregnant, because doors would be knocked on and shit would be shat! So if you dont like me stomping really loud and cursing becuase I have to take my groceries from up a hill, down a hill to m...

Dear New Girl On The Register, * wwwooosssssaaahhhhh* I understand that you are new here, at this lovely eat in resturant, but PLEASE CALM DOWN! In my mind, the slower I order, the better for you. Now let's not get into how you got the order WRONG in the first place and want to get upset at other people. Don't let this polished look fool you, I will get your little butt together REAL QUICK. I have worked at a resturant before, it's NOT rocket science. Just push the botton that I say I want. Rude? Yes it is, but I also didn't pick this job for you. If someone is being nice to you, learn to be nice back! Flipping rude little turd! xoxoxo Yes I would like a drink with that