Dear Mr. Elevator Man

Dear Mr. Handsie,  I am just trying to pay for my gas and keep it moving. I know that I have this head scarf wrapped around my face in a way that seems to turn you on ..................... but this little chicken right here wants you to place those hands BACK behind the counter. ARE YOU RUBBING THE SIDE OF MY HEAD?? WHY! OMG, your hand is running down my arm. Don't freak out, don't freak out ... Get your 4 wives having, gas station owning, wrinkle face hands OFF OF ME!!! I don't know what it is about me that makes you think that you can put that fragile hands on me but listen up Barney and Friends ..... that aint me! And why is the Sweet name of JESUS are you trying to take my dang scarf off to see my face!! Mr. Creepy Mac Creep A Lot SSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!! You would think me saying " Get your hands the F off of me" would be kind of harsh, but your smiling. 0.o Here's a tip, if you wanted to make me wife number how ever many, you could'...

H a p p y M o n d a y ! So remember a few post back I stated I would give a surprise for my 2500th read? Probably not but let's just go with you do um'kay? Well my surprise was going to be a live "Dear MEM" on YouTube but it went aaaalllllllllllll the way left! I just liked nothing about myself this day. I mean, my everything was wrong. ON TOP of that, my face looked like Winnie The Pooh's tummy full of honey and my hunny told me I looked Chubby how I was sitting on the bed. I know he meant no harm because he laughed when he said it but that was the straw that broke the camels back,that made the wolf sneeze and blow the house down, the last straw they put on Jesus manger! Now if you have been following my blog for the little time it's been up, you know I struggle with weight. I have lost about 15 pounds from my heaviest weight, but it's still not enough. You know how you just think, oh this is great, I've lost a nice amount, clothes fit better, until...

How did I end up getting out of the car, at the same time that you get out of your car? Listen, you are such a beautiful man. Like if you decided to be a woman, you could totally pull it off. I am happily taken. Like The Cosby Show happy, like they put two toys in my happy meal when I was 5 y/o happy, like HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ok, that didn't make any sense but w/e. Also, you see this wall mount that is always on this elevator when you get on with me? Yes Freaky Jason right there staring at you in the mirror. You make his neck vein pop out and it makes me nervous. Once my mom neck vein popped out when I was getting a whooping and just let me tell you ............ I wore sweatpants all week. I want to live. I'm pretty sure you want to live so here we go with just a few things that you can do for me and I'll continue to smile at you on this quick ride up. 1. Thanks for telling me I have nice big brown eyes. You can't see to my soul, so stop staring into my face. It's c...

Dear Cashier,  I am a woman, you are a woman, therefore I see what you are doing. I really don't want to curse you out in front of all these people, but that little hidden flirting thing your doing, I'M NOT HERE FOR IT . All that extra giggling and eye raping your doing to my man is going to make me Carrie your butt. I just don't understand why people test us girlfriends. I am NOT his sister, cousin, cool friend, or jump off. We are buying groceries and household good for the sake of your quick weave!!! I clearly just said do you have your card, or do I need to use mines, that should let you know. But still you ignore me, won't make eye contact with me, but if I reach over this counter and smack the shit out of you I bet you look at me then. No matter how many times you giggle and look at him girl he is not checking for you. He knows whats going on and he knows I'm crazy so therefor, DISCOUNT DOUBLE CHECK , and bag this shit up!  xoxoxox Crazy Bih in lane 5 ...

Yesterday I was OVER IT! Like I was ready to throw the towel in. I was having a conversation with this jelly ( belly ) and I was just asking it to compromise with me in certain outfits. Yes, we have that type of relationship. BUT she was on something else. Like Hey girl, I'm here to stand out! No one cares about what you want. So after a bottle of wine, don't judge I only drank a few sips, I decided I didn't want to do a "diet". I just wanted a meal plan and a more extreme work out. Let's just praise God for Google ok! So a good friend, who I haven't seen in forever, Jennifer, is ALWAYS talking about this Paleo thingy-mah-bob. She LOVES bacon  I love bacon  and she LOVES to eat I love to eat and she's THIN AS EVER! Not like crackhead thin, but like a really nice thin. Just go with me now ......... So I Googled it and thought hhhmmmmmmm I could use this as a meal plan. Its just eating what grows, in a nut shell. NO processed food. Listen, I will ...

Listen here SIR! I have told you my name twice, which is already one to many for me. I will not be telling you my name anymore, nor answering to Shay Bell. WHO IN THE WALRUS CLAPS is Shay Bell?? I get that your trying to strike up a converstation with me in this elevator but I already have one elevator man, I really don't need another one. How about you just say Good Morning......... and KEEP IT PUSHING! Now you have made the other two gentlemen in the elevator uncomfortable, because they heard me tell you ....... UMMMM THAT'S NOT MY NAME. * que man in the corner * Well this just got akward . So tomorrow if you see me on the elevator, staring at my phone because I don't want to talk to anyone, just nod that big ass Texas Cheese Steak head of yours and press your floor! xoxoxox The girl looking like she's on the movie Devil ..... Shay Bell...... NOT!