Dear Mr. Elevator Man

Happy Monday Gems and Gents! I am home from work today dealing with the pre-pms pains. This is the only time I wish I was a guy. Oh, and when I have to pee really bad and have no where to go. Yeah. That's it. Anywho Onward and Upward shall we .........................

Yesterday I had my hunny take a photo of me and I had a break down. I instantly went from workout clothes on to in the bed crying. Yes I CRIED!! I have been working out since JAN!!! I pictured myself being way further than this. I know we see ourselves differently than other people see me, but when I looked at that picture I saw Winnie The Pooh. Right now I do NOT want to hear your " oh it gets better " CRAP! I want to go to the store and eat all the shit I haven't eaten because I have been trying to lost weight. It's so hard to be a black woman in this day and age because everyone wants you to look a certain way. I know that I will NEVER look that way, and I am fine with that. The bottom part of my body is damn near all muscle, its the top that does all that moving. What the hell I'm not fine with is this JUICY ASS FACE! So lets run down some shit I'm tired of hearing and seeing ... yes this will have LOTS of cussing ... 1. I'm tired of women's f...

Dear Demetrius,  Thanks for emailing me, although I feel like I'm more of an outlet for you to express yourself, I will help as much as I can. Now let me just let yo ass know one damn thing, if ANY of my advice backfires, I don't have NO MONIES so don't be trying to sue me. You ass will get some old ass duck sauce and ketchup packets in my draw at home. Oh and some Taco Bell sauce packets too, although I wouldn't trust those.  Any who back to your letters chile, hunny that was A LOT! I applaud you for having the courage to even write me. Although you don't know me, I am honored to be the one you picked to talk to. NAH ON TO THE REAL STUFF ....  1. You need to figure out what you want. This guy has flipped your world upside down. I think you just need to come to terms that you are gay. Now again, I'm not gay, so I hope this isn't harsh, and I know it's not as easy and I am putting it. Own it! Yes you are a black man, and your bisexual. OWN IT! 2....

Why in the holly HELL would you want to squeeze your big body in with all 15 of us already on here. I HATE when the elevator is packed and that one person in the front says " Oh hey, we have room for you". No, NO THE FAK WE DO NOT! I'm already folder up in this corner like a fortune cookie ,with bodies touching my arms; and you want to add more people on here. Do you NOT see the sign that says " hey that's enough people on the elevator!!" Its right there!! It says "Minimum, 3 fat people, 2 medium fat people, and 4 skinny people can ride at the same time." Take that hamburger helper hand and put it back in this elevator or get the hell off. When you are breathing and you can see the person in front of you hair move, that enough people on this ride. Now all of you know we are in the death trap elevator anyway and you want to add more people to the ride down. Sweet baby Jesus, if you get me down safely I promise not to curse these people out when I ge...

Me : Hi, Can I have a Sausage Biscuit and a Hashbrown. That will be all. Worker : Ok so that's a Sausage Biscuit, Bacon and cheese Biscuit and a hashbrown. Would you like something to drink with that. Me : No, that's wrong. I want A sausage Biscuit, and 1 hashbrown. That's it. ( still in a good mood )  Worker : Ok so that's 2 Sausage Biscuits and 1 hashbrown. Does this complete your order. Me : ( over it at this point ) NO!! * leans out the window* I JUST WANT ONE, SINGLE SAUSAGE BISCUIT AND ONE ORDER OF HASHBROWN. ONE OF EACH. JUST ONE, UNO.  Worker : Ma'am please hold so that I can correct your older. Me : -__- you have GOTS to be kidding me Worker : Ma'am was that just a regular sausage biscuit? Me : Is there someone else in there to help you, because I'm not sure where we are missing the blue's clues. Worker : Excuse me? Me : Do you need me to pull up to the window? Worker : No ma'am. I have your uno sausage and uno ha...

Listen, I am SSSOOOOO sick of you men talking shat about women who watch Scandal and love Beyonce. I enjoy them very much, so understand that what I'm about to say comes from the heart. STFU! If I see one more of you post about "oh I"m so happy my girl don't watch that slut Scandal show or idolize Beyonce " I will personally pick you and your "girl" apart; flaw for damn flaw. We do not idolize Beyonce. We enjoy her just like you'll enjoy standing out in the cold for hours to get the new jays. Or when Kendrick dropped that Control verse, or when Jay Z dropped a COMMERCIAL about his upcoming album.  Neither is Scandal a "slut ass show". But again you don't watch it so you don't know. Just because your girl doesn't do the above things, doesn't make her any better or worst than the ones that do. I actually know a nice amount of guys that watch Scandal with their girl. She's probably secretly watching it on Hulu Plus the n...

I'm not sure why you want to use the potty right next to me, when there are 3 other stalls free but lets not do it again. We have bathroom rules!! I'm not sure if you are not aware of them or if you just don't care. BBUUUTTTT my dear ladies, I CARE! I am just trying to get in and out of the bathroom and back on the floor and here you go with your feet almost touching mines. Umm excuse me neighbor, why art thou so damn close to me? Oh and it's always you gassy people that sit right next to me. So not only am I trying to pee, and make sure our feet don't touch, you are also honking horns over there with no spray. I JUST CAN'T YA'LL! I JUST CAN NOT DEAL! Didn't Mother Bathroom come to your school and teach you the rules? Well she didn't comes to mines neither but I still know to take my ass down a stall. So miss ma'am that sat beside came into the bathroom behind me, sat in the stall next to me, starting honking for Jesus, while singing a little t...