Dear Mr. Elevator Man

Well hello there!! Before we get into today's post, which is a little long, I just wanted to say my lunch sucked ASS!!! I'm having a no meat during work hours week and this wheat pasta stir fry I made ... I know the devil sent his minion to my fridge last night and made this taste like this. I KNOW IT! YUCK! So let's just say I am ready to RUN home and JUMP into something to eat. I pray I don't get a hungry headache, although I can feel it coming. Anywho .. onward and upward shall we (: Many people ( like 3)  have been asking me about my weight journey. So I'm just going to share a little bit of what's been going on with me. While doing that I will also touch on depression, something I know about personally.

Dear Shanice,  I hope you are doing well, and I just wanted to let you know I live for your post. I need some advice and I don't feel comfortable talking to others about this because its very close to home. My name is Niyah, I'm 24 years old and pregnant. My baby father and I are no longer together because I caught him cheating with my cousin. Yes , my FIRST cousin. His phone had been going off like crazy when he was in the shower and I thought it was urgent. I told him and he said check it to see who it was. Lo and behold, it was my 19 year old cousin, saying she was late. I could not do anything but cry. He rushed out of the bathroom and I hit him in the face with my phone. He kept saying oh she is just joking she is just joking,so I called her. She told me they had been messing around for 3 months. Mind you, I'm 4 months pregnant. Now my cousin is very attractive and pretty easy if you get where I'm going, but why would you sleep with my cousin. Long story short, s...

Dear MEM,  Please stop following me around this store. Stop asking me how I feel about you and your "fiance" miscarrying. I don't care. Honestly. I don't care. But, since you refuse to leave me alone; take this little piece of advice, and 'let me 'lone! I guess it would be crazy for me to ask why you are having unprotected sex with an almost stranger? Meh. That's your baby bottle pop, so I guess that's a dumb question. How do I feel about this "miscarry"? I think it's GREAT! I keep telling you over and over again that you do not need a child. You think because you have the financial means to take care of a baby,equals you can have one. NO NO NO! I mean yes, technically you can have one but ummmrraaoohhhhh, your not to damn stable. Your mind is always all over the place and your "fiance", well we don't know where her mind is, hell I don't even remember the girls last name. When you have a child, you cannot pencil them i...

Dear MEM,  Yes, I accept you saying you're sorry because YOU were WRONG. I never will be jealous of anything you have going on. You think you have it made, but that's the lie you keep telling yourself to get your through the day. I, on the other hand, know my struggles and accept them for what they are. You, my dear friend, hide behind work, and TRYING to find the perfect match so YOU can hide behind them. I don't have any time for it. My hunny told me to be pleasant so that's the only reason I'm talking to you. I don't want your coffee, or your hard ass do-nut, I have my own. In the famous words of someone famous ( yeah I know how that sounds ) you betta check yo self, before you wreck yo self. So on that note, congrats on your engagement! Always good to buy the cow, even if haven't tasted the milk yet.  xoxoxo These boots are made for walking ..... 

Well well well ...... Guess who turned 25 yesterday? THIS GIRL DID!!! I am so thankful for all the birthday wishes and gifts! I actually got everything I asked for PLUS my hunny has something else up his sleeve. But that's enough about me let me give you these updates!!  1. MEM is NOT the FATHER! He is a sad ass dog right now and I'm pretty sure he is trying to get this other girl pregnant. Pray for me you'll. I'm trying not to start smoking. 2. I have this weird man in my email that really thinks I'm his counselor. LOL. He even said I could share his stories on my blog, so be on the look out for that. He is a bi-sexual male with a girlfriend, who likes this one guy he see's on the train .... ya'll .... and his girlfriend doesn't know he likes boys .... 0_o  3. Does anyone know when Finding Dory comes out? 4. So I turned 25 and the same day my back started hurting and my chest was hurting. I thought God was trying to take me out the game!!!!...

Happy Monday MEM!! Just a juice update. YA'LL .... yes I am kicking my country all the way in for this one .... the first week of juicing .......... SWEET MOTHER OF ABRAHAM !!!!! I was cranky, moody, HON-GRY, not hungry but HONGRY, sleepy and all the above. Even though I was having a meal, ya'll, I was even eating 80 cal veggie soup at lunch, I couldn't keep my eyes open, nor find the energy to give a shit! And on Day 2 ....... someone came down from the galaxy and put a green baby in my stomach  .... * starts shouting * and I gave birth for 35 minutes!!!!!!!! It was NOT PRETTY! Everyone kept saying " shanice, your body is just getting used to it, blah blah blah ." I wasn't listening. This week I am doing much better! I still cannot drink straight green juice without fruits because that shat is just nasty. I have energy today and wanted to lick the cup other than burn it for a change. Look at God! He is amazing!!! So anyone trying to juice let me tell you ...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=457535307681688&set=vb.448507781917774&type=2&theater A quick rant from me! I didn't want to put it on Youtube so click the link! See you soon MEMer!

Why in the holly HELL would you want to squeeze your big body in with all 15 of us already on here. I HATE when the elevator is packed and that one person in the front says " Oh hey, we have room for you". No, NO THE FAK WE DO NOT! I'm already folder up in this corner like a fortune cookie ,with bodies touching my arms; and you want to add more people on here. Do you NOT see the sign that says " hey that's enough people on the elevator!!" Its right there!! It says "Minimum, 3 fat people, 2 medium fat people, and 4 skinny people can ride at the same time." Take that hamburger helper hand and put it back in this elevator or get the hell off. When you are breathing and you can see the person in front of you hair move, that enough people on this ride. Now all of you know we are in the death trap elevator anyway and you want to add more people to the ride down. Sweet baby Jesus, if you get me down safely I promise not to curse these people out when I ge...

Dear MEM,   I can't stop laughing. No I mean I am trying but the tears won't stop falling, and now I can't breathe. OK Ok I'm sorry, but I still don't understand how this happened. You were to cool to wear protection and look what happened to you! So let me get this right, the girl you met at Publix took you Horseback riding, and now your going to the hospital because the inside of your legs are raw. BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Listen, listen, listen, why on earth would you go bare back on a horse? Are you crazy! Well that I know the answer to but I mean I don't feel bad for you at all. I can see you out there in your polo riding boots, tight Levi jeans, crying like a BIATCH because your private hurts. SMH. So now your going to the doctor because it hurts when your pants rub against you. BBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! No, no, listen, if you could see your face right now you would laugh too! Oh so your mad at me for laughing but n...

Dear Mr On Looker,  I am just trying to stay healthy and eat my apple but YOU KIND SIR WON'T LET ME! You are all up in this window like you can taste the apple as I'm eating it. Why is this so interesting to you? Are Granny Smith apples your favorite? Would you like me to roll this window down and throw this at your face? I just want you to help me help you get the hell out of my face.  So Mr. Sir, while you are staring at me in my face, your light is green! I'm blowing at you to tell you that your light is green, not to wave. LIKE WTH! Why do I want to wave at you stranger danger? Now all the people behind you are looking at me in my car like we made an education connection. Hey guys!! I don't know this man!! We were not bus buddies on the Magic School Bus.  xoxoxoxo eating in public use to be so simply, but you rather make it hard 

I have a MEM post but I'm waiting until after his doctors appointment to update you guys. LOL. I could just die to see you guys face after you read that. I'm not saying anymore about that until later.  Welcome to my random thoughts #4 !!!! - I have 36 more days until I can get back on Social Media. I don't even know how I've made it these 9 days but here I am. My thumb hovers over the icons so much, it starts to hurt.  - I think it so weird how you can be super faithful to someone and they always seem to crap on everything you built. Some people in relationships are needy, and need lots of attention. I have seen plenty of relationships fail because someone steps over the respect line because he/she wants more attention from people. When does that person grow up? Would you stay with someone like that?  - WHEN IS FINDING DORY COMING OUT!!!!  - Why is it " the pot calling the kettle black?" My pots are not black they are silver. So does that make my pot...

Dear MEM,  Why are you on the same Publix aisle that I am? Do you live close by? Why are you eye-rapping this lady next to me and why is she giving me the stank eye? OOOHHHHHHHKKKKAAAAYYYY, this is getting weird. Hello!!!! Pay attention to me when I'm talking to you, why are you in my Publixs!! Yes I claimed it. So you don't live close nor do you live far? This conversation is really confusing. Listen, pulling my arm to take me to the pet food aisle, isn't very friendly! Ok, you got that ladies number 5 minutes ago, and you are texting her now? * rubs forehead* Your still on the pipe aren't you? That is so weird, texting someone that you just received their number less then 10 seconds ago!! SSTTOOOPPPP!! What did I tell you about this weird shat? Then your doing this weird poppin' penguins dance around me, like what the hell are you doing? I'm going to take my steamed broccoli and go home. NO you can't come over, NO I will not invite you over soon, NO we ...

Listen, its so damn cold that I can't think straight. Like I had a whole post about MEM but listen .............. I can't feel my feet!!!!!! My hands are cold, my nose is cold .. I AM OVER IT!!! This guy asked me why I didn't have gloves ........ BECAUSE I LIVE IN THE SOUTH! I only have a scarf because it's cute. I'm trying to catch a bird to South America because I promise you'll I just can't function. Tomorrow night it's going to be 6 degrees. Yes like the age of a first grader.Yup over it. Let's go ahead and call up Dora, get Maps and find me a warm location because the Devil is a liar! The truth isn't in him and the heat isn't in the MF either!  So I have doing a 45 day weight loss challenge. This week I am detoxing, and due to the heat not functioning correctly in my office building, I had coffee this morning. Hell as I'm typing this I want another cup just to stay warm! Why don't you just drink warm water you might ask? Tried ...

....... Part I Dear MEM,  I know you are looking at me weird because I just yelled at you to not say your name. I just panicked, ok! See, I can't know you name. Because if I did, then that would make this real. I would Google you, because I would want to know things. You would start asking me whats my favorite this and that, or trying to friend me on social media and THAT MY DEAR will NOT happen! You have to stay the stranger on the elevator,and  I have to stay the unaccredited counselor. So I will call you Mr. Elevator Man. Which is why I'm laughing now, because you have NO idea there is a whole blog that was started about our encounters and now I am officially saying it out loud. I don't really like Miss Elevator Girl, but I'll let it go for the time. Kind of sounds like we are dating so I will change it to Noble Counselor. Yeah, I like that better. You seem to be feeling weird because of the no name exchange, but if I knew your name; I probably wouldn't talk ...

............. So let me properly introduce myself. My name is HOOOOOOLLLLDDDDDDDD IT!  Let's start from the beginning, shall we? While waiting for the elevator, I get a light tap on my shoulder.  Me : Turns around .... Well hello there Stranger Danger! I thought I wouldn't see you until the new year. MEM : Morning Spit Fire! Can I borrow a minute of your time?  Me : Sure, get in. You know the Fed's watching. * goes to first floor*  MEM: Why? Me : Nevermind .. ( he killed the ENTIRE VIBE ) MEM : What's this your listening to? Me : Nothing, I just always put my headphones in because if I don't ... well * stares at MEM * people talk to me. So what's up, I've got less than 5 minutes.    MEM : I just wanted to say thank you.  Me : Your Wel- MEM : You didn't let me finish.  Me : 0.o oookkkkaayy MEM : I want to thank you for all your sound advice. Honestly, I wish I could clone you and date you mys...

Your best guess is my best guess. Is it weird that I look for him now? I feel like he is my kid coming home from college and I'm waiting for my update. I'm waiting to see his first girlfriend from college or for him to tell me about how he likes this girl but he needs moms advice. Don't judge me! After our last encounter, I was weirded out; but I am itching to get my weekly fix! Hello, my name is Shanice and I'm addicted to MEM updates. They say the first step is admitting it, right? I don't want to date him. I hate that pretty much everyone thinks I want to date him. That is f'n nasty! Don't get me wrong, he is easy on the eyes .... BUT my heart belongs to someone else. So let's see ... I think he is somewhere on vacation, hooking up with as many women as he can. He will come back and tell me all about his adventures, and I will judge him. ( Because that's what I do.) He will tell me he has met THE ONE, yet again. I will know nothing about her but I...

I haven't seen you since last week and I thought you would be mad at me. YET you are leaning over me, giving me the goo-goo eyes. * que song " bag back bag back, give me 50 ft, give me 50 ft, give me 50 ft" * And what in the hell are you talking about, mistletoe  and holiday spirit ..... Let me just play back the scene for you.  I bend down to tie my shoe and look up and here you are .... grinning like a fool! Me : You should really make a noise before you sneak up on people MEM : laughs Your so little. You had to get all the way down just to tie your boots.   Me : whatever  MEM : Don't you just love the Christmas Holiday. I love this time of the year.   Me : I do love this time of the year.  Now your leaning over me   MEM : So have you been naughty or nice this year? Me : Excuse me? MEM : I am Santa's little helper and I need to know so I can report back.  Me : 0_o I've been VERY nice. Wouldn't you say? MEM: ...

I honestly didn't have much to talk about today because I am an emotional wreck waiting for the baby to come today. I just wanted to share here what I am Thankful for. Personal shout outs to follow. LOL.  First I am thankful for the Amazing God that I serve. Last year, I left my job because I was so stressed that it was effecting my body. I trusted and believed that God would make a way and provide for my household and he did just that. All I could do month to month, until I got back to where I needed to be, was thank God  because I never missed a meal, nothing was cut off, I was clothed and still was able to go out and do things. For that I am thankful and blessed with a better job paying way more than I was making before. My faith is so much bigger than a mustard seed. I'm thankful for my mother . OMG she gets on my nerves so bad sometimes but I love her with everything in my body. We have not always gotten alone and sometimes we go a little while without speaking but...

D e a r M E M ,  My head hurts ... I want you to shut up like right now. If I had to energy and height to Donkey Kong you right now ..... you'd be on the floor. I have ridden this stupid elevator twice up and down and now I'm standing by the break room trying to find a spoon to dig a tunnel away from you. It's so funny how you always try to convince me that THIS IDEA is the GRAND idea. Who do you think you talking to? Ok I understand you met this " heavenly angel " (your words not mine) at the QuikTrip gas station. Let's just stop rrriiigggghhhttttt there! Didn't I tell your crazy ass not to talk to anyone else! You just don't listen. My momma always said I hard head makes a soft ass and I have on flats today! I will call up B16 and have your ass put in the hole like Jake and Huck were! If your not watching scandal ... just leave this blog right now! Your a disgrace!  OK ... She's beautiful, nice, sweet, charming, blah blah .... Doofus you d...

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ................................. MEM you are a grumpy, sad , pouting MESS! Standing there with your Starbucks coffee,with your tailored suit on ... .GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I don't know what else to do. Like ............ ok, you got stood up, it sucks, let's move on. I know your thinking, how did I "MEM, Exec. blah blah, meh, meh, meh" get stood up. Shit happens. Sidebar : I literally have on all black, with a sweater jacket, with my glasses on. I really tapped into my un-creditable counselor today. This is really becoming a career for me. So, we have no one to bring to the holiday dinners this year. Let's keep it that way. Stop trying to find someone to show off. At this point, I just want to call your family and have a come to Jesus meeting. Like jump into the ocean, locate Nemo, tell Dory I said hello, go find the Lil Mermaid and ask the hoe to get some legs and be with you. Like I don't know what else I can do to ...