Dear Mr. Elevator Man

I'm pretty sure we have went over this topic but it is FRESH in my spirit, so I am writing you lonely lovers again. I want you to pull out your pens and papers to take notes, because I'm SICK OF YOU! How do you let someone who continues to treat you like shat, only pays attention to you when whomever they are checking for isn't checking for them, run your name in the mud; BACK into your life. I am by far no relationship expert but some of you mofo's are just NOT GETTING IT. I don't think you ever will. It's so funny because, from whatever world you got a ride to from Future on his way to the Moon,this is morally ok. You even have  people on your planet living the same life as you. I mean, let the hunny cheat on me and it's A WRAP! Thanks for coming out! You all did great. ROLL THE CREDITS IN THIS MUTHA. But not only does this person cheat on you, but you blast them about it, but 1 month later its < closed captions : me and the boo; let them haters hate ...

Listen, I am SSSOOOOO sick of you men talking shat about women who watch Scandal and love Beyonce. I enjoy them very much, so understand that what I'm about to say comes from the heart. STFU! If I see one more of you post about "oh I"m so happy my girl don't watch that slut Scandal show or idolize Beyonce " I will personally pick you and your "girl" apart; flaw for damn flaw. We do not idolize Beyonce. We enjoy her just like you'll enjoy standing out in the cold for hours to get the new jays. Or when Kendrick dropped that Control verse, or when Jay Z dropped a COMMERCIAL about his upcoming album.  Neither is Scandal a "slut ass show". But again you don't watch it so you don't know. Just because your girl doesn't do the above things, doesn't make her any better or worst than the ones that do. I actually know a nice amount of guys that watch Scandal with their girl. She's probably secretly watching it on Hulu Plus the n...

I'm not sure why you want to use the potty right next to me, when there are 3 other stalls free but lets not do it again. We have bathroom rules!! I'm not sure if you are not aware of them or if you just don't care. BBUUUTTTT my dear ladies, I CARE! I am just trying to get in and out of the bathroom and back on the floor and here you go with your feet almost touching mines. Umm excuse me neighbor, why art thou so damn close to me? Oh and it's always you gassy people that sit right next to me. So not only am I trying to pee, and make sure our feet don't touch, you are also honking horns over there with no spray. I JUST CAN'T YA'LL! I JUST CAN NOT DEAL! Didn't Mother Bathroom come to your school and teach you the rules? Well she didn't comes to mines neither but I still know to take my ass down a stall. So miss ma'am that sat beside came into the bathroom behind me, sat in the stall next to me, starting honking for Jesus, while singing a little t...

D e a r M E M ,  My head hurts ... I want you to shut up like right now. If I had to energy and height to Donkey Kong you right now ..... you'd be on the floor. I have ridden this stupid elevator twice up and down and now I'm standing by the break room trying to find a spoon to dig a tunnel away from you. It's so funny how you always try to convince me that THIS IDEA is the GRAND idea. Who do you think you talking to? Ok I understand you met this " heavenly angel " (your words not mine) at the QuikTrip gas station. Let's just stop rrriiigggghhhttttt there! Didn't I tell your crazy ass not to talk to anyone else! You just don't listen. My momma always said I hard head makes a soft ass and I have on flats today! I will call up B16 and have your ass put in the hole like Jake and Huck were! If your not watching scandal ... just leave this blog right now! Your a disgrace!  OK ... She's beautiful, nice, sweet, charming, blah blah .... Doofus you d...

H a p p y M o n d a y ! So remember a few post back I stated I would give a surprise for my 2500th read? Probably not but let's just go with you do um'kay? Well my surprise was going to be a live "Dear MEM" on YouTube but it went aaaalllllllllllll the way left! I just liked nothing about myself this day. I mean, my everything was wrong. ON TOP of that, my face looked like Winnie The Pooh's tummy full of honey and my hunny told me I looked Chubby how I was sitting on the bed. I know he meant no harm because he laughed when he said it but that was the straw that broke the camels back,that made the wolf sneeze and blow the house down, the last straw they put on Jesus manger! Now if you have been following my blog for the little time it's been up, you know I struggle with weight. I have lost about 15 pounds from my heaviest weight, but it's still not enough. You know how you just think, oh this is great, I've lost a nice amount, clothes fit better, until...

Dear Mr. Shoulder Rapist,  Listen, I don't know what Sam's shoulder does to you but this has to stop! Every time he see's you he is climbing up my front side or clawing at a wall trying to break free. Let's recap what you did to my poor poor Sam. < insert flowing clouds > Sam and I are having our normal ride down and this gentleman gets on the elevator with us. Sam moves to the side and the guys is staring at his shoulder like it's a fresh chicken in a village of homeless people. He reaches out his hand and places it upon Sam's shoulder. He then rubs it HARD and caresses Sam's shoulder. Sam is not able to handle this and I can see the tears coming alive in his face. Now this is 4 floors he has been holding on to Sam's shoulder. We get to the first floor and same shoots out like people wish their roaches did when company is over.   Now to me this is the funniest shat I have seen. I grown man caressing another man's shoulder like that ..... ...

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ................................. MEM you are a grumpy, sad , pouting MESS! Standing there with your Starbucks coffee,with your tailored suit on ... .GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I don't know what else to do. Like ............ ok, you got stood up, it sucks, let's move on. I know your thinking, how did I "MEM, Exec. blah blah, meh, meh, meh" get stood up. Shit happens. Sidebar : I literally have on all black, with a sweater jacket, with my glasses on. I really tapped into my un-creditable counselor today. This is really becoming a career for me. So, we have no one to bring to the holiday dinners this year. Let's keep it that way. Stop trying to find someone to show off. At this point, I just want to call your family and have a come to Jesus meeting. Like jump into the ocean, locate Nemo, tell Dory I said hello, go find the Lil Mermaid and ask the hoe to get some legs and be with you. Like I don't know what else I can do to ...

I am DOG ASS TIRED today. I am in the beginning stages of my PMS symptoms break down, so I want to cry, eat chocolate, laugh, sleep, eat popeyes chicken, and get under my covers and not come out. Only, I'm at work with paperwork coming out of my rear end that needs to be done by today. I swear my phone has rang 5 times and I have not answered it because I want to keep my job. Right now, I am laid back in my seat, typing whatever comes to mind. Welcome to my monday thoughts! - My bf's sister is due anyday now and I wish that damn baby would come on! I love the smell of little babies. - Love doesn't need to be the only reason you marry someone. Is that person a team player? How are they with paying bills? Have you met their family on other occasions other than the holidays and like them? If at some point you don't feel that butterfly love affect, will you both try to light the spark again? IJS, can't marry a person because they are a nice person. Nice only gets y...

Dear Mr. Elevator Man,  I just want to hug you right now. Like I'm sad, pissed and frustrated!! I've never been stood up but I know there are ways that people can prevent this. So I am going to leave you here and address pretty little miss ..................... Dear Ungrateful Piece of Ass,  YOU NO NO HOW TO USE PHONE?! Why would you stand someone up? Listen here you snot nose, wanna be bunny ranch worker, hamburger-helper serving, flat butt heifer!!!!!! You call when you can't make it! You send a bird, superman, those little things on despicable me, SOMETHING! Now I begged this damn man to take you out again, because let's face it hunny ...... YOU WERE NOT CUTTING IT! Then you <insert HARD curse word> it UP!!! Calm down Shanice . Did you see he's face? OOOOOFFFFF Course your "i shoot animals for fun hunting" ass didn't! So let me run down this ....... He called you earlier that morning to confirm ....... You said your going to be there ...

I WILL NOT SHARE A MAN! I don't see how women do this. I know you are thinking, what in the goose eggs is she talking about. Well I'll tell ya, thanks for asking boo! Mr Shiny Black, Akon, stated that no 1 woman can satisfy a man, and no one man can satisfy a woman. This girl's mama didn't raise no fool and I can smell BS from a mile away. Now everyone has their own beliefs and I respect that. BBBUUUTTTT listening to the Ricky Smiley morning show this morning, and people calling in agreeing with this ......... listen ya'll ....... I had to cut the radio off.  I'm not even going to get on all the points, I'm just going to GO. So keep up umkay! I'm not with that sharing shit. This lady said well as long as when he's with me when it's my time I don't care. GIRL WHET THE HELL!! ARE YOU SERIOUS! I'm not sure if you ladies of the world know this but we can get bacterial infection very quickly if we are not careful. So if girl #2 has been i...

I am ssssooooo tired of going out and seeing these children's heads looking like Helen Keller did their heads, while your swing your 20 inch beach blond body wave. I don't understand how you can come out of your house and your baby look like she played in a sand storm and you smiling at every man you see. GIRL WHET? When people know that you have children, they don't care what you look like if your child walking around with Albert Einstein sides. Is it so hard to do hair,and put your kids on clean clothes? OH MY SWEET SUGARY BROWN don't let me get on why your baby has a snort mustache going on!!!! I just need you parents to do better. Like a whole lot better. Like a thousand times a thousand times 6 more damn thousand better. So girl in the QT line, getting ready to pay for your whatever, while your child ponytail is in the mile high club ........................................ get back in that Ford Focus, return that It's Fashion outfit, clean your babies face, br...

Happy Monday all you awesome people!! Happy Veteran's Day to all of our solider serving now and that have served! You guys are much appreciated!  I have been asked by a few people * waves at Terri, hey girl!* about my Vi Shakes and if I am still on my weight lost mission. I am ....... slowly! LOL. I am no longer on the shakes, because * men scroll along, getting personal* it throws off my cycle. The soy in the shake makes it wwaaayyy longer and I am NOT here for it. Like, not at all, not tomorrow, not next week, not after I have children, NOT NEVER . My parents are on it and they are doing pretty well. My mom's was the same way, thank God it wasn't the menz I'm not ready , but she is down to one shake a day.  So I lost 15 pounds in two weeks, a little while back. I thought I was SO fine, I stopped working out. Chile ... that 15 pounds jump right back on my wide ass in just a few shorts weeks. I always say I'm not going to do another diet, I'm just going t...

Its your lucky day! Since I couldn't decide to tell about the ride today with MMM or the date update, I'm doing both.  Update on Date :  I worked late yesterday and caught him on the way down. I now know what floor he works on but I really wish I didn't. The less I know about him the less real I can make him be.  So, you texted her and she was pretty upset about the $50? Can you really blame her? It's like you were paying her for her services. I know you don't get it, I can tell by the look on your face, but trust me you kinda pimp slap her. Your mad because she is giving it back. Didn't I tell you she was going to do that? OK so the list of things she wants on the next date is : you to dress down, not spend over $50 on food, and somewhere local. Sam and I think this will be the final date. I really like this girl, but she is pushing it with MEM. You'll know he is flashy and demanding.  Take her to Chillis and call it a day MEM. Your a texter, she'...

Another random post from you know who :)  I just want to say thanks for everyone who enjoys this blog. This started out as an idea that a friend suggested from FB and has turned into a pretty amazing thing for me. I have about 40 post, with over 1800 views. Can you believe that? With all the misspelled words, and misplaced words in this blog you would think people would be like " this girl needs to go back to school". NOPE! I'm still paying back student loans now.  So just a few random thoughts and answers to your questions. I really have emails!!! I'm still in denial, don't worry.  1. I don't think I'm funny. I just write whatever comes to mind.  2. Yes, there is really a MEM. My friend "Sam" has seen him on the elevator.  3. I am still thinking about accepting your "profiles" for MEM. IDK. You guys are kinda cray. 4.Yes I know my blog is super wack. Aint nobody ask you to be nasty! HOE! I didn't think people were going...

Dear Cashier,  I am a woman, you are a woman, therefore I see what you are doing. I really don't want to curse you out in front of all these people, but that little hidden flirting thing your doing, I'M NOT HERE FOR IT . All that extra giggling and eye raping your doing to my man is going to make me Carrie your butt. I just don't understand why people test us girlfriends. I am NOT his sister, cousin, cool friend, or jump off. We are buying groceries and household good for the sake of your quick weave!!! I clearly just said do you have your card, or do I need to use mines, that should let you know. But still you ignore me, won't make eye contact with me, but if I reach over this counter and smack the shit out of you I bet you look at me then. No matter how many times you giggle and look at him girl he is not checking for you. He knows whats going on and he knows I'm crazy so therefor, DISCOUNT DOUBLE CHECK , and bag this shit up!  xoxoxox Crazy Bih in lane 5 ...

Didn't I say I wasn't going to stop again? Would that make me a liar? I honestly didn't try to stop, life just happened, work became a lot more than I thought and honestly, this was the last time on my mind. I am still in shock that my views are still going up. * waves hi*  So let's just jump right back to it shall we? Dear Kim and Kanye West Dislikers,  * pulls out chair * girls/guys, I don't think I have enough chairs for how many SEATS you guys need to have but grab this one right here. I don't understand with EVERYTHING we have going on in our world, how you all can get so obsessed with these two. Are you getting some type of funds for this? Telling her to kill herself makes you feel better? Calling her a Nigger lover must make you feel like a God huh? It's just not that damn deep! And to all my black people out there saying Kanye has lost his mind, SHUT THE F UP!!! Let that man be with who he wants to be with. Sit yo unhappy ass down somewhere a...

Listen, I'm not sure why you are locking eyes with me in this conference meeting but it's freaking me out. I was told that it's a rule not to find your "pretty pretty" person while public speaking. Let's just say you failed!!!! I'm not sure if it's the big afro that I have going on today but Mr.Scary man I am NOT trying to be one of your many wives. Then you started saying my name ....... your flipping creepy. I just keep thinking I'm going to get trapped in the elevator with you and the lights are going to flicker and you'll be on top of me like white on rice. You like 6'5 and I'm just 5'3...... You will not be trying to MJ .... nevermind .... that just made my stomach hurt. Listen, I'm not interested. Those 30 second stares you can keep because I have never counted ceiling tiles so fast in my life!! xoxoxo There are 8 on each row

Listen, I'm not here for people parking RIGHT IN FRONT of the stairs where I play rent. YOU PEOPLE need to park several spaces over! I don't care that you have a party every weekend, when you start paying rent then you can park in front of the stairs. May be its just in my apartment complex, but we all have our "unofficially assigned parking space." The mom parks closest to the stairs and her husband parks beside her. My neighbors girlfriend parks 3 spaces from the stairs and we park one space from the stairs. My down stairs neighbor and the next door one park in front of the stairs because one goes to work early and the other works third shift. Now let me tell you weed smoking bum ass kids something, I am going to get a cone and put it in the space. Just thank God that I am not pregnant, because doors would be knocked on and shit would be shat! So if you dont like me stomping really loud and cursing becuase I have to take my groceries from up a hill, down a hill to m...

Listen, I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR A HOSTILE ELEVATOR RIDE!! If you would not act like a FREAK when people got on the elevator with us, I mean this is a seven story building, I would introduce you. So since you are mad at me I'll just tell you anyways. The guy on the elevator is Mr. Motorcycle Man. I'm not sure why you felt the need to roll your eyes when he got on and started talking to me, * que mean girls* but you sir need to get a grip. I feel like I'm in a love triangle and I don't even know you people!!!!! I swear I'm going to start taking the stairs. Mr. Motorcycle man is NOT the " new you" as you put it. I can't even believe I am having this conversation with you, I still don't even know you DAMN NAME!! OMG, I just ................................................................................ You my dear need to get back with that girl sexing you like crazy because your losing it. Next elevator ride, I am taking your picture and I am startin...

Dear Pity Party For 1, Please build a bridge and get over it. Everyone goes through things, we all have failed at something, that doesn't mean get on social media and cry EVERY TREE HUMPING DAY! I met with the social media owners and we have decided if you can't calm it down some on the " oh life is so hard, where is the rope?" we are going to disable your account! FOREVER! So here is my advice for some of your most common issues I've seen : 1. If your babies father isn't shit ........ provide the best you can. Tell us will not change the fact. We will not be signing up to do daddy shifts with your child. 2. If you hate your job ....... GET ANOTHER ONE! That's really common sense. 3. If someone said something about you that was false .... either tell them about it, or let it go. I don't want to see anymore side jab status on FB when you live 5 miles from this person and you'll go to the same church on Sundays. 0.o  4. If your...