Two things that I know for sure will happen in life. You are born and you will die. Death .... I have had some rough dealing with death when it comes to family.
My grandfather on my dad side, moved to TX and had a heart attack. It was a closed casket - and it didn't fully hit me until I was about 16 and I saw a man that looked just like him. I waved at the man and the man waved back. I LITERALLY was about to walk over to him. Then the flood gates opened and I cried a solid week in my room. He was my pen-pal, first person to put sugar on my popcorn -which my siblings and I do to this day , debate with me, and so forth. It just didn't seem real, because I didn't see him again. I didn't SEE him in the casket, but I knew he was in the casket.
My grandmother on my dad side passed away from breast cancer and a tumor ( if i'm not mistaken ). I was there the entire ordeal. From her being mobile to just laying in the bed making noises. I was in the room when she passed. YUP! My dad had walked out the room, and she stopped breathing. Yes, that is correct, I was there for the last breath. With that death I was in shock for a long time, but ok for the most part. I spent a nice amount of time with my grandmother when she got sick, up until she passed.
My grandmother on my mom's side die of a heart attack and MY WORLD WAS ROCKED! I hated everybody and everything .. it was bad. It was sudden, like sudden sudden .. like my mom had just dropped her off from church about 4 hours ago sudden. I can't get to much into that because I still cry to this day. This was my second mom, so it was like my mom died. My family ain't been right since then. You'd think Faith sleep with somebody husband, and the family let her.
So now my granddad - mom's dad - is dying. He has cancer and he's kidneys are going bad QUICKLY now. And I feel myself sinking. I'm from the country country - Courtland , AL - and I am very close with my grandparents. They know my whereabouts, what I'm doing, how big I got - and so forth. My memories of my granddad go back to preschool. Dropping me off for the school bus, taking me to the corner store buying me gum every morning, getting me a stuffed animal every time he went to the casino, my photos all over his house, keeping a mountain dew in the fridge for me for every Sunday after church .. a lot of stuff umkay! I remember I was dating this one guy and he was like why you with that drug dealer - mind you he didn't sell drugs lol - well he only want to talk to you during drug dealer hours. He cheating. Break up with him or I'll break up with him for you. I later found out he was cheater, not selling drugs and my granddaddy took me to the store and got me a big thing of ice-cream and Mountain Dew. We watched the game together in silence and he kept looking back at me on the couch to see if I was ok.
So back to this sinking situation. When I "sink" I sleep, like forever. I don't eat much, I don't leave my bed other than to wash my ass. ALL I DO IS SLEEP. It takes me about 3 to 4 weeks to come up out of that feeling. It's not depression but more of a please don't talk to me, let me work this out on my own , in my own time, these are my feelings GO AWAY! I left my job to start a business, which in itself is a struggle , I am getting married and my wedding planner * jo * is a hard cookie on me, and trying to start back up my two other business so there are multiple incomes flowing in. A F'ING LOT UMKAY!! It's like can we pick a better time for this bruh!!! LIKE GGGEEESSSSHHHH .. I have a lot on my plate right now. The selfish part of me wants to curse everyone out. I feel like he is suppose to be at my wedding, hear about my first pregnancy, give me more advice and just be around.
I'm an emotional eater. So it's been a FIGHT not to run to the store and pick up random things that I don't need - ooorrrrr cook a Thanksgiving meal for dinner. Either way I feel that everything - some I caused myself - is falling on top of me.
So I'm making a schedule. I think I'm about to become a gym rat. I have to go when people aren't in there bbbecccaaauuusseee I have random outburst of tears streaming down my face. SMH. It's also time alone to be with myself. My fiance is a sweetheart and caring ... and sometimes I just don't want to express myself at the moment. I have a lot I want to talk about and honestly I don't care if anyone reads this blog post or not. I think I just needed to get this out. Send up a prayer or meditation to who ever you pray/meditate to for my family and me.
*muah*
Shanice
My grandfather on my dad side, moved to TX and had a heart attack. It was a closed casket - and it didn't fully hit me until I was about 16 and I saw a man that looked just like him. I waved at the man and the man waved back. I LITERALLY was about to walk over to him. Then the flood gates opened and I cried a solid week in my room. He was my pen-pal, first person to put sugar on my popcorn -which my siblings and I do to this day , debate with me, and so forth. It just didn't seem real, because I didn't see him again. I didn't SEE him in the casket, but I knew he was in the casket.
My grandmother on my dad side passed away from breast cancer and a tumor ( if i'm not mistaken ). I was there the entire ordeal. From her being mobile to just laying in the bed making noises. I was in the room when she passed. YUP! My dad had walked out the room, and she stopped breathing. Yes, that is correct, I was there for the last breath. With that death I was in shock for a long time, but ok for the most part. I spent a nice amount of time with my grandmother when she got sick, up until she passed.
My grandmother on my mom's side die of a heart attack and MY WORLD WAS ROCKED! I hated everybody and everything .. it was bad. It was sudden, like sudden sudden .. like my mom had just dropped her off from church about 4 hours ago sudden. I can't get to much into that because I still cry to this day. This was my second mom, so it was like my mom died. My family ain't been right since then. You'd think Faith sleep with somebody husband, and the family let her.
So now my granddad - mom's dad - is dying. He has cancer and he's kidneys are going bad QUICKLY now. And I feel myself sinking. I'm from the country country - Courtland , AL - and I am very close with my grandparents. They know my whereabouts, what I'm doing, how big I got - and so forth. My memories of my granddad go back to preschool. Dropping me off for the school bus, taking me to the corner store buying me gum every morning, getting me a stuffed animal every time he went to the casino, my photos all over his house, keeping a mountain dew in the fridge for me for every Sunday after church .. a lot of stuff umkay! I remember I was dating this one guy and he was like why you with that drug dealer - mind you he didn't sell drugs lol - well he only want to talk to you during drug dealer hours. He cheating. Break up with him or I'll break up with him for you. I later found out he was cheater, not selling drugs and my granddaddy took me to the store and got me a big thing of ice-cream and Mountain Dew. We watched the game together in silence and he kept looking back at me on the couch to see if I was ok.
So back to this sinking situation. When I "sink" I sleep, like forever. I don't eat much, I don't leave my bed other than to wash my ass. ALL I DO IS SLEEP. It takes me about 3 to 4 weeks to come up out of that feeling. It's not depression but more of a please don't talk to me, let me work this out on my own , in my own time, these are my feelings GO AWAY! I left my job to start a business, which in itself is a struggle , I am getting married and my wedding planner * jo * is a hard cookie on me, and trying to start back up my two other business so there are multiple incomes flowing in. A F'ING LOT UMKAY!! It's like can we pick a better time for this bruh!!! LIKE GGGEEESSSSHHHH .. I have a lot on my plate right now. The selfish part of me wants to curse everyone out. I feel like he is suppose to be at my wedding, hear about my first pregnancy, give me more advice and just be around.
I'm an emotional eater. So it's been a FIGHT not to run to the store and pick up random things that I don't need - ooorrrrr cook a Thanksgiving meal for dinner. Either way I feel that everything - some I caused myself - is falling on top of me.
So I'm making a schedule. I think I'm about to become a gym rat. I have to go when people aren't in there bbbecccaaauuusseee I have random outburst of tears streaming down my face. SMH. It's also time alone to be with myself. My fiance is a sweetheart and caring ... and sometimes I just don't want to express myself at the moment. I have a lot I want to talk about and honestly I don't care if anyone reads this blog post or not. I think I just needed to get this out. Send up a prayer or meditation to who ever you pray/meditate to for my family and me.
*muah*
Shanice
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