I have went from fighting mad to on the verge of crying for no reason at all. I cursed my fiance out because we were arguing over what time I was going to eat lunch. Which was just a misunderstanding between the both of us but I straight up said " I'M NOT ABOUT TO FUCKING ARGUE OVER SOME SHIT I'M NOT EVEN EATING". I had already eaten lunch and was with one of my bridesmaids at a restaurant close by. Then I got back to work and almost started to damn cry because I was rude to him for no reason. But ya'll know damn well I didn't apologize. LOL
I swear this week I have been battling my emotions.
1. I'm so tired of sorry ass fathers. And you can be in your child's life and still be sorry as hell. I know I talk about fathers a lot but since I am in the age limit where a lot of people are having kids ... more and more each day I see where fathers have the game so f'd up. This week I have thought about my father and I pity him. I pity that he is still searching for that something at he's age. I pity that he has missed out on so much of my life ( and my future children) because he couldn't take the time to check in every week to see how I was making it. I pity that my stepfather is going to walk me down the aisle and my father probably won't even get an invitation. So dad's if you are reading this, please step up. It's not always about money, it's just about being there and showing that you can be depended on at all times. Remember that the "love" you have for you child doesn't feed them, cloth them, teach them, shelter them ... it's just that ... LOVE. You should LOVE them enough to work hard to provide .. if you don't want to work for you, then work for them .. and if you can't find work then just be there .. be a staple in their life. And i'm not talking about picking them up to take them over your cousins/grandma/aunt/new girlfriend house so you can finish doing whatever you were going .. we remember that stuff too
2. My wedding REALLY has me stressed out. Everyone is asking me a million questions on what I want, what I have and what I don't have and I'm really ready to pull my hair out. I try to keep my cards close to the chest because I really have no solid answers but it's like NO! do this , don't do that, this should be done this way. My precious fiance is just like this is your day. So it how you want and that's the final answer. I honestly thank God for him because he keeps the wedding dogs off my back. LOL. And calm my nerves when I start looking at the numbers. This week I sat in my car looking at my ring and started crying. Hell I'm almost crying now. I NEVER wanted to get married a while back. I have seen my share of ruined marriages, turn into hate for each other, or just disrespect in the marriage. I always thought something would go wrong and we would break up and that would happen with each relationship. I'm not that woman that stays during cheating, so I would be out the door if that was to happen. But somehow I lucked up and found someone who tells me more than enough times that " I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to be with anyone else. This is where I want to be and if I didn't I would've been gone." I don't think guys understand that it is such a HUGE honor when they select you to be their wife. Take their name. Have their child, WHILE sharing the same last name. It's huge when someone shows you that they want to spend forever with you. Yup I cried all the way home Tuesday.
3. My Blackness. I've been reading more, and watching online documentaries about MY culture. It's saddens me to see people who don't really care and the people who don't know. I'm not going to go into this too much because I can GO IN but .... I just want us to do better. As in come together and work to uplift our community. My fiance's sister said something so powerful the other day. Where are the black churches in the community? When we were young they were always out and about helping, cleaning, and so forth. Now ... you barely see them out in the community as a positive force. Other than having a fish fry or fundraiser to raise money to help them build something. No shade.
4. I'm battling the job spirit. At my work place there isn't much room to go UP. Hell there isn't any room if I am being honest. So that takes me to going elsewhere to work, or just working for myself. It's very hard working for myself but I have a few opportunities to match what I am making right now with a few hours of work a day and more if I would like. I know I know I am thinking the same thing ... girl you have a damn wedding to pay for among other things if this flat lines.... and I'm not saying I am going to quit right now .... I'm just going to continue what I am doing here and work and reach out to see what these other opportunities are talking about. Sometimes you just know you have so much more to offer. I actually have businesses that I do when i leave here but know I could do so much more if I had the time. Oh well .. this story will be continued.
Over all I have been drained this week. Good thing is I'm down a jean size but then I started feeling bad because I'm not where I should be ... but I'll get there. I went to the gym once this week .. let me tell you this go round cycle has been non stop painful. The cramps won't leave me be!!! I'm over here popping Midol like they M&Ms. My house is a semi wreck and I'm drained ..... I'm getting myself out of this funk TODAY! I set up my mani pedi session for Saturday morning, I'm going to put a face on tomorrow and stop scaring my coworkers with this bare face, no brow,glasses wearing freckles on fleek woman .... I'm getting it together ya'll .. just a random word vomit post ... I love you guys!! *muah*
Shanice ....
Comments
Post a Comment